21 Days of Turning Inward: Day One
Welcome to the inward-turning journey toward winter solstice!
Most days, I'll record these experiences (just press play below) so you can sink into the breathwork uninterrupted, but there is also a transcription for those of you who prefer the written word.
Before we jump into today's exercise, find a space that is just yours, where you can feel safe moving and writing and lighting a candle if you want to. If that's not possible right now, set aside a time later in the day that can be yours alone. I'll only take 5 minutes of your time, but it's important that those 5 minutes have your full, spacious, embodied attention.
You deserve five minutes of your own day, don't you?
Now, wherever you are, whatever you are doing, stand up. Shake out your arms and legs. Roll your shoulders up, back, and down a few times, until your body feels loose and awake.
When your body feels tingling and alive, take a deep, three-part breath: sip in air to fill your belly. Sip in air to fill your chest. Sip in air to fill the tops of your lungs. When you are full to bursting with this 3-part inhale, exhale it all out in a long sigh.
Do this 5 more times, at your own pace.
Notice any subtle shifts in your attention, in the way your body feels, from this very brief focus on the body and breath.
Take a few moments to set a sacred space for yourself. Light a candle, burn some sweetgrass or palo santo, or settle into a fuzzy blanket. Get your journal or a paper and pen.
(Many of the exercises will build on each other, so you might want to devote a new journal or composition book to this 21-day adventure!)
Once you've settled in, close your eyes for a moment. Think about this time last year. Think about how you spent the winter, and how these cold days make you feel. Notice any images, emotions, or sensations, positive or negative, that flow through you as you think about winters past.
When you've taken some time to drift through several memories of winter, write a five-word portrait that describes your current relationship with the dark days of winter. You might want to choose one word that sums up each memory that emerged, or one word for each of your five senses. Here are some examples:
dark. heavy. dry. peppermint. woodsmoke.
quiet. full. nostalgic. isolated. drowsy.
tired. bleak. immobile. stuck. contemplative.
cluttered. sad. disjointed. cold. impatient
sparkling, warm, curious, fragrant, grieving
Sit for a moment and look at your five words. Continue to breathe deeply, and simply notice what you feel when you look at them.
Ask yourself: are there words in this portrait that I want to keep?
Are there words in this portrait that I want to change?
That's it for today---just keep those five words in your journal and let yourself percolate on your current relationship with winter.
As Rilke said, sometimes loving the questions themselves is more important than finding the answers!
We'll build on this tomorrow...until then, I'm wishing you a warm mug of fragrant tea and a perfect winter playlist.
Feel free to share any questions or comments below, and if you're feeling brave, share your five-word portrait!
21 days of turning inward
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
These next 21 days will be a time of dwindling light, as the days get ever shorter and colder and the nights grow ever-longer.
Then, on December 21st--the winter solstice--the light begins to return.
Winter Solstice is, admittedly, my favorite holiday of the year. I love the invitation to go inward, to spend time in quiet contemplation, to sip tea and light candles and celebrate the extraordinary cycle of light to dark and back again.
(To my friends in the southern hemisphere...just add six months to this post!!)
I want to celebrate the winter solstice this year with a gift to you: 21 days of turning inward.
Starting tomorrow, and every day of December until the Solstice, I will be posting a short exercise, writing prompt, or ritual here to stimulate your own self-reflection in this beautiful time of inward-turning.
If this idea touches you in some way, I suggest you commit to yourself! Dedicate a fresh new journal to this experiment. Bookmark this page and set an alert in your calendar to come here at the same time every day for the next 21 days.
The way we spend our days is the way we spend our lives. I hope that this 21-day experience can become a ritual for you, a daily time of inward contemplation and connection.
If there is something you love about the solstice, or a particular subject you'd like help in contemplating over these 21 days, comment below or email me at innerlightasheville@gmail.com.
HOW TO GET EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT FOR THE HOLIDAYS
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
My clients are rock stars. They do a lot of work, and it pays off. They practice mindfulness daily until their anxiety becomes manageable. They discover the strength to live by their values despite the demands of depression. They show up authentically in their relationships, even when it is hard. And then the holidays hit.
Perhaps for you, as for some of my clients, the holidays are a reminder of a terrible loss.
Or the holidays drive home the unfortunate truth that the people we love the most bring out the worst in us.
Or perhaps all of your self care simply flies out the window in the face of the extra stressors of the season.
If any of this is true for you, read on! Here are four steps that will help you get exactly what you want for the holidays.
1) GET COMPLETELY, UTTERLY, CRYSTAL-CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE THIS SEASON.
Don't fast forward through this part! Set aside some time, perhaps this evening before you sleep, to really settle in and ask yourself what you most want to feel. Joy? Warmth? Authenticity? Comfort? Healing? Adventure? Friendship? Curiosity? Delight? If your light feels really dim (especially if you are grieving) it can help to flip through a few magazines and cut out images that jump out at you. Ask yourself what draws you toward each image. Notice what you yearn for, what tugs at your attention when you are walking down the street. Now put that into words.
Once you are absolutely clear on how you want to feel, do the merlin process.
Legend says that Merlin lived backward through time, which gave him the ability to apply the lessons of his future to his present moment. This exercise achieves a similar result.
Imagine that it is mid-February. You are writing a letter to a friend about how wonderful your 2017 holidays were, and why. Write IN THE PRESENT TENSE about what your life is like now that you have survived the holidays with such grace. Write how it feels to have created the holiday experience you most desired.
Describe what your holidays looked and felt like. What did you feel, smell, taste, see, hear?
It is key that you write this in the present tense! This allows your brain to believe in the reality of these possibilities NOW rather than projecting them into an always-distant future.
For example:
“Dear Emily, I am still basking in the glow of the winter celebrations. Somehow, I managed to stay centered and calm throughout the holidays. Somehow, I managed to connect deeply and authentically with my children, in spite of how stressed I was feeling in November. I am so proud of myself for the joy and delight I was able to create by savoring each of the tiny moments of beauty that arose. I asked my family for exactly what I most needed, and they really showed up for me. I feel so grateful and loved, and I really feel that I helped everyone I love feel how much they are appreciated. I had plenty of time to sit still and rejuvenate myself, and I am still feeling nourished now because I was so careful to set aside time for myself to recharge ….”
And so on.
Place this writing where you can see it and take a few moments each day to close your eyes and imagine yourself in the reality you described. This reminds your brain what your intentions are and helps you to prioritize the thoughts, emotions, and actions that will take you in the direction of your desires.
2) CONNECT WHAT YOU WANT TO YOUR DEEPEST VALUES.
If you are anything like me, it is very easy for you to foreclose on what you most want. "Well, it's not realistic for me to have that," you might say, "I should really concentrate on what my partner/parents/kids/boss/political party wants instead."
Of course in the long run, if you are not getting what you want, the chances of your partner/parents/kid/boss/political party getting ANYTHING of value from you are scanty indeed!
To help yourself remember why what you want matters, connect your desires to your deepest values.
For example: I desire, for one hour per day, to be left completely alone.
Now that is a desire that can very easily be foreclosed upon. "Who has the time," I might say to myself, "to spend one hour doing NOTHING!" Or I might think "It's not fair to my partner or my kids to take that time for myself, they see so little of me as it is."
But if I take the time to connect this desire to my value system, I might see something like this:
Alone time is in service to:
my spirituality
authenticity
rejuvenation
the quality of my attention
inspiration
honesty with my family
It is much harder to foreclose on my alone time when I remind myself that my alone time feeds my spirituality, my honesty, and my ability to give quality attention to my family!
I often conduct a complete values sort with my clients to help them get a clear understanding of what values guide and underline their lives. If you aren't clear on your top values, download this values word list and circle the ones that are most important to you.
3)ASK, ASK, ASK, ASK, ASK.
NOBODY CAN GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT IF THEY DON'T KNOW THAT YOU WANT IT. Seriously, setting our loved ones up for success by telling them EXACTLY what we want is one of the kindest things we can do for them.
This year, in the weeks leading up to his birthday, my son wrote a wish list in gigantic letters and taped it to the back of the front door, where everyone had to see it multiple times per day. This worked so well that his sister and his little brother followed suit when their birthdays came along!
By telling us exactly what he did and did not want (quite explicitly....have I mentioned my son is a bit of a character?!) he ensured that he would be utterly delighted by his birthday gifts. And did I resent this? Quite the opposite! I was extremely grateful to be told exactly what my son needed to make him happy.
Now there is something we need to look at here, and that is the possibility that you may not get what you want.
Had my son put "a vacation to Hawaii" on his wish list, no matter how much I may have wanted to make that wish come true, it is not in my power at this time.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE SHOULDN'T WRITE IT DOWN. Who knows when the opportunity for a trip to Hawaii might drop into our laps? And even if it will never, ever be possible to take my son to Hawaii, I now have the opportunity to connect with him around that desire.
"Why do you want to go to Hawaii?" I might ask him. And thereby learn that my son has an interest in surfing. Or hula dance. Or the geological formations of volcanoes. And those are interests I can follow up on, even by doing something as simple as checking out a library book on the subject, to show my son that I care, and he is heard.
Maybe what you want the most is something you can never have, like one more hug from your parent who passed away last year, or for a broken relationship to be repaired. Stating this out loud is the first step in healing your grief. It is okay to state your impossible desires; they help you understand what you most value. Then, slowly, you can begin to imagine how you might get those needs met in ways that aren't impossible.
Next time someone asks you "is there anything I can do?", be your own fairy godmother. Speak up for yourself. Ask for exactly what you want.
say: "Yes, actually, what I want is ....."
and be as clear, descriptive, and concise as possible:
one hour per day completely to myself.
for someone else to do all the dishes for the month of December.
a weekend retreat.
to feel as special and important as I did when my mom was alive.
tickets to Hawaii.
a pair of mittens that keep my fingertips warm.
one dinner free of arguments or sarcasm.
a cup of tea in bed tomorrow morning.
You get the idea!
4) SAVOR EVERY TITCHY MOMENT OF BEAUTY
Now that you have clearly defined your desires, connected your desires to your values, and asked for what you want, LET IT GO. Tape that list up to the back of the door or stick it to the refrigerator with a magnet and turn your full attention back to the moment you are living now. You don't want to miss your wishes coming true!
Maybe your desire for a holiday filled with love and intimacy is being met in this very moment by your pet cuddled up on your feet. Maybe your deep wish for solitude is actually happening right now, as you read this post!
Take the time to really savor and breathe in the moments of deep beauty. Give them ten full seconds of your time. Joy will expand into the space you give it!
Try these four steps: getting clear on what you desire, connecting your desires to your values, asking for what you want, and savoring the good that comes your way.
You are worthy of every good thing! May your holidays be blessed with deep rejuvenation, joy, and warmth.
~~~
and if, for whatever reason, you still aren't exactly sure what you want, we have an idea for you!
Maeve and I spent some time dreaming up exactly the retreat we most wanted...a hibernation, a deep drift into slow spacious time, with plenty of naps and endless cups of tea and many opportunities to wonder and wander and dream and meditate... and acres and acres of open wilderness for wandering in...and of course someone else would cook delicious food for us, and there would be circle dancing and yoga classes and herbal footbaths if we wanted them...
So. Here it is, Inner Light Counseling Collective's First Annual Retreat. We hope you can join us. And if you don't know how you could possibly take the time/spend the money, DON'T FORGET TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT! You are worthy of every good thing.
I always love to hear from you. What are you facing in the holidays this year? What do you most hope for? Comment below, or email me at innerlightasheville@gmail.com.
"Why can't I meditate?" Demystifying the struggle with meditation + free guided meditation with Maeve Hendrix
Posted By Maeve Hendrix, LPCA, RYT
So many of my yoga students and therapy clients share with me that "They can't meditate, they've already tried and discovered that it is simply not in their skill set because they can't get their thoughts to stop."
My response, "Perfect, you are exactly on the right track."
To which they respond, "What!!!?? How is that possible. I just told you, it's not working, I don't want to do it, it's frustrating and boring - I give up."
I remember exclaiming those very same words to one of my meditation teachers eight years ago and receiving these exquisite words of wisdom - "You are exactly where you need to be, learn to be with yourself as you are - whether you are anxious, bored, self-loathing, doubtful, intrigued, calm, angry, or anywhere in between. The aim of the practice is to learn to be with yourself, watch your thoughts and and experience your breath, rather than 'stop thinking'."
When I heard, "Learn to be with yourself just as you are" - something clicked. I realized that even the thought of 'learning to be with myself' made me want to jump out of my skin and go find something to soothe my restless discomfort. I decided that this practice of learning to be with myself WAS the meditation practice and that life was continuously giving me opportunities to practice, if only I would pause long enough to notice and listen.
After practicing this approach to meditation for the last eight years, I have learned over and over again in small and profound moments - that accepting myself as I am in the moment (rather than trying to be something or someone else), softens the self-aversion in my heart and allows me to inhabit the present moment more fully; in all of its rawness, restlessness, confusion, anger, and joy. Offering myself flexibility within the practice has been helpful as well. Giving myself the option of seated, standing, walking or moving meditation.
“Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we are already.” Pema Chodron
Pema Chodron's teachings have played a huge role in my process of "Learning to be with myself". I now call my meditation practice, "Learning to Stay". I practice seated meditation in the mornings and weave mindfulness into the rest of the day.
There are five encouraging reminders that I have found helpful for my lifelong Mindfulness Based Meditation practice of "Learning to Stay". I keep these reminders somewhere I can see them on a daily basis - To help me REMEMBER the essentials of the practice. If these resonate with you, feel free to print them out and keep them where you will see them daily.
1) Slowwww Down.
Practicing the art of slowing down is a meditation practice in itself. If you notice yourself rushing around, lurching forward into the future. See if you can commit to physically slowing down your movements for 5 minutes and then reassess your energetic state.
2) Come Home to Yourself. Come Home to your Body.
Remember to actually INHABIT this highly intelligent body that you travel around in. One direct route back into the body is noticing what sensations you feel in the moment and open to all of your senses - sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch.
3) Gentleness towards yourself is your greatest strength.
Check in: How would I describe my relationship with myself in this moment? How strong is the inner critic right now? Can I be gentle towards whatever feelings, thoughts and sensations are present? If not, aspiring towards gentleness is worthwhile.
4) Befriend the antics of your mind.
Cultivating awareness of the Inner Witness (benevolent watchful energy). This is the first step in befriending the antics of the mind. Watching the antics of the mind (craving, aversion, jealousy, boredom, etc) with curiosity and humor allows our relationship towards ourselves and the meditation practice to become considerably more approachable.
5) The Sacred Pause is waiting for you. 1-5 Conscious Breaths.
Try weaving a Sacred Pause practice into your daily life. Perhaps setting a reminder bell on your phone 3-5 times during the day to initiate the sacred pause. The sacred pause simply involves pausing what you are doing and checking in as you notice your breath. You can ask yourself these three questions and commit to 1 minute of pausing with the breath.
1. Can I make contact with this moment? This Breath? 2. Can I feel my feet on the ground? 3. What do I see, hear, smell and taste?
Try out this free guided meditation to directly experience the approach I am describing in this article. Post a response to your experience! I would love to hear your wise ponderings.
Are you wanting to develop your own home meditation practice?
I am offering a 6 week in-depth guided online meditation course beginning January 1st for the New Year. The course will provide weekly guided mindfulness-based meditations paired with useful information on Mindfulness-Based Meditation and weekly integration exercises that include writing, movement and art making. After many years teaching yoga and meditation, I feel inspired to offer a step by step meditation guide to a wider audience, in the comfort of their own homes. My heart is deeply connected to Somatic and Expressive Arts Therapy, which I have been offering individually and in groups for the last few years. Something magical occurs during the synthesis of meditation, somatic therapy and art making. Students have reported experiencing fundamental shifts in their life as a result of developing a consistent home meditation practice including, empowerment, clarity, resilience, contentment, and compassion.
To learn more about this meditation course and to register, click here.
BOO! It's a post about MONEY!
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! There is nothing scarier than facing our finances!
Believe it or not, conversations about money are an important part of the counseling process. Why?
There is a strong correlation between money issues and worthiness issues.
Now this is emphatically NOT to say that being chronically underpaid or struggling to make ends meet despite working several jobs is your fault. The last thing I want to do is add yet more shame to the money mess.
How much money you make is one thing. Your relationship to money is another.
If it terrifies you to print out a receipt at the ATM because you really, really, really don’t want to know your balance, or you throw your student loan bills away without looking at them, or you cross your fingers every time you swipe your credit card in desperate hope that it goes through, that’s actually not about money.
It’s about fear.
We humans really only have two behaviors in our repertoire: approach, or avoid. When we fear something, we avoid it, because fear is uncomfortable.
Do you see the problem here?
If you fear money, you will avoid it.
Regardless of how much money you make, the first step to financial security is always going to be the ability to approach money.
If you don’t know what you’re working with, you can’t make a plan.
Many cultures hold the belief that this time of the year is a potent time of change, because the veil between the worlds is thin. What better time to face your fears and create change?
So pour yourself a cup of tea, light a candle, sit down with a journal and a pen, and boldly face your finances by answering the questions below.
FACING FINANCES WORKSHEET
1. How have you used money to create value in your life?
(taking out student loans to educate yourself, investing in travel that broadened your mind, buying good quality hiking shoes for your camping trip, paying the heating bill so you could be comfortable in the wintertime, buying seeds to plant vegetables, paying for ingredients to bake a cake for a child’s birthday, finding the perfect gift for a friend, etc.)
2. Describe a time when you’ve been able to act generously, and how it made you feel.
(Perhaps you gave a sandwich to a hungry person, or donated to a cause you believed in, or treated your friend to a latte)
3. How would the lives of your family and friends be improved if you were more financially secure?
(would you give extra time and attention, behave with less anxiety, participate in family trips, treat friends to meals, etc.)
4. If one million dollars flowed to you right now, how would you spend it? What would you invest in? How would you make your life and the lives of those around you better? What values of yours does this express?
5. What stories have you heard from your family, from your culture, and from your spiritual tradition that make you feel guilty about having money?
(What personality traits come up when you think about rich people? What do you fear others will think about you if you become financially secure? What might you lose by becoming financially secure? What stories about yourself will you have to let go of to become more financially secure? What parts of yourself will be made wrong by getting your finances in order?)
6. Compare your answer to question 5 with your answers to all the previous questions and notice any discrepancies. Would your financial security make other people’s lives worse, or better? Is financial security something that will help you achieve your values, or does it stand against your values?
Questions of worthiness run deep, so be very gentle yourself as you fill out this worksheet.
Were there moments when you could hardly write fast enough to keep up with your thoughts? HOORAY! That’s approach, that’s what we’re going for! Doesn’t it feel different than the stagnant, jittery space of avoidance?
Taking the time to thoughtfully answer these questions for yourself may only be the first step in a long journey, but that first step is the most important.
If answering these questions has lit a fire in you, take some time to decide on one or two action steps to commit to, steps that will get your financial decisions more in line with your values. This can be as simple as deciding to look at your balance the next time you go to the ATM, or as monumental as committing a percentage of your income to a cause you believe in.
Or maybe you will commit to simply bringing money up with your counselor, or your partner, or your friends.
Let's bring money out into the light. It doesn't have to be so scary.
Congratulations on your courage, and happy Halloween!
