What is singing itself through you?
Posted by Maeve Hendrix, LPCA, RYT
In some cultures it would be common to receive medicine healing for most ailments by being asked:
When was the last time you danced?
When was the last time you sang?
When was the last time you told a story?
When was the last time you sat alone in stillness?
When you hear these questions, what comes up for you?
Our western culture does not encourage or promote these forms of expression as a way of life.
Instead, we are told that we have to be "a professional dancer" in order to dance, "a trained singer" in order to sing, "an accomplished writer/speaker" in order to tell stories.
Western, capitalistic culture is so deeply caught on the hamster wheel of doing and achieving that the mere suggestion of sitting alone in stillness can bring up feelings of panic, terror and confusion.
We shut down before we give ourselves the opportunity to tune in and see what is ripening inside of us.
Take a moment to genuine ask yourself - WHAT IF - The phrases: "I'm not a dancer, Im not an artist, Im not a singer/storyteller" did not exist in your inner dialogue?
Instead: what would it be like to offer these statements as an experiment? - "I give myself permission to express myself through dance. The world wants to hear my story. I learn about myself through art and movement and expressing my voice. I connect to myself and others through creative expression."
"I acknowledge the lifelong relationship I have with myself and honor it through quietly sitting and feeling my own presence."
These are all just examples of different conversations we could have with ourself. Rather than judging whether we are "good enough" or "up to par" in order to sing, dance, meditate, or tell stories - we might offer enough spaciousness and flexibility in our mind to let whatever is alive inside to flow out, (especially if) it's not pretty, tidy, or polished.
Tell Me, She Said
Tell me, she said:
What is the story you are telling?
What wild song is singing itself through you?
Listen:
In the silence between there is music;
In the spaces between there is story.
It is the song you are living now,
It is the story of the place where you are.
It contains the shapes of these old mountains,
The green of the rhododendron leaves.
It is happening right now in your breath,
In your heart beat still
Drumming the deeper rhythm
Beneath your cracking words.
It matters what you did this morning
And last Saturday night
And last year,
Not because you are important
But because you are in it
And it is still moving.
We are all in this story together.
Listen:
In the silence between there is music;
In the spaces between there is story.
Pay attention:
We are listening each other into being.
-Sally Atkins, Picking Clean the Bones
Inner Light Counseling Collective is dedicated to providing safe and supportive space for individuals to discover and express their inner life through voice work, storytelling, movement, writing, art and meditation. We offer playshops, retreats, and individual sessions that provide a supportive space for inner exploration and creative self expression.
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Friends in Low Places
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
Sometimes loneliness is indestructible. Sometimes that deepest, darkest place your soul goes to feels entirely unspeakable, and you cannot find a way out to the people you love, and the people who love you cannot find a way in. Or perhaps, in those moments, there is no one you love and no one who loves you. Sometimes it feels that dark.
When the people feel too far away, sometimes the plant world can get through. The tree people are rooted and will not run away from your terror or despair. They will support you if you stretch your back against their trunks.
The black raspberry bushes will feed and feed and feed you and not ask for a thing. They will teach you, too, with their thorns—watch how they guard themselves even as they give. We can learn to do this too.
The cattail is swaying in the wind and releasing the last of its spring pollen into the air. If you take a sack and shake the pollen into it, you’ll find a generous helping of golden powder filled with micronutrients and vitamins. The cattail offers this to everyone, not just to some.
And then there are the wildflowers---sending fresh sweetness into the air, lighting up a sense of hope and possibility with their brightness.
Do not be afraid to walk out into the world of the plants. Wear sunglasses if you are afraid of running into people. The plants do not care if you are completely broken open. They can witness you without bearing any judgment at all. They can hear your weeping or your shouts of anger without intervening.
Bring your water bottle and offer a drink to the tree you lean against, the flowers you gather, the berry bushes that feed you. Feel this simple relationship start to weave you back into the world and the community of things. You are not alone. You are never alone. You are part of this world, and you belong.
For the Children
by Gary Snyder
The rising hills, the slopes,
of statistics
lie before us.
the steep climb
of everything, going up,
up, as we all
go down.
In the next century
or the one beyond that,
they say,
are valleys, pastures,
we can meet there in peace
if we make it.
To climb these coming crests
one word to you, to
you and your children:
stay together
learn the flowers
go light
We are always available for a free consultation if you need someone to talk to. Email us at innerlightasheville@gmail.com to set up a time to talk. If you are in crisis and a phone call feels too vulnerable, text Home to 741741 to text with wonderful, trained volunteers.
If you have any doubts at all about plant identification, don't consume any parts of a plant. Just sit with it and wonder about it, offer it water, and feel the oxygen it is creating for your lungs. Let it be there for you.
of loathsomeness and sovereignty
By Lissa Carter, LPCA
Do you ever find yourself contemplating your own loathsomeness?
Maybe it's just me. But there are days I find myself preoccupied with the people I have hurt, the important tasks I have bungled, the horrible mistakes I have made.
This image, by artist Juan Wijngaard, illustrates the tale of Sir Gawain and the Loathly Lady as retold by Selina Hastings
Although I know it is helpful to track the times I have gone against my own values, and to make amends for the hurt I have caused, sometimes the self-judgment spins out of control and, in a terrible irony, believing myself to be loathsome, I act out loathsomely. Oh, the high drama!
At these times, I am grateful that there is another way of relating to my regrets and mistakes.
Recently I had the great privilege of attending a myth-telling workshop and hearing Dr. Martin Shaw speak about myth and archetype. At one point, he paused in the telling of a story and said:
"In these moments in myth, when a character goes back and forth on a boat, or sews upon the same garment again and again, it implies a connection with a larger rhythm, the wax and wane of the moon or the turn of the tide. Here we see these powerful, archetypal women quilting their lives to the life of the Otherworld, attuning themselves and their small rhythms to that ongoing, luminous sacred time."
(Caveat--I'm not sure that's exactly what Martin said, but that's how I have it written in my journal! )
I've been thinking about this a great deal--the way that we can take the life we've lived and cut it apart into single incidents, try to analyze how we have behaved or what we have done as though it can be separated from the whole.
I have certainly been guilty, both as a therapist and in my personal life, of choosing to take a story to pieces rather than quilt it to the sacred.
Might there be another way of responding to our own flaws and transgressions?
Let me tell you a story...
Once, long ago, King Arthur went hunting with his men. In giving chase to a hind, he found himself alone in a dark wood, when suddenly a Dark Knight approached him.
"It is good that we have met with the arrow already flown from your fingers," said the Knight, "for I intend to kill you."
"It would be dishonourable to kill me thus, alone and unarmed in the wood," said Arthur. "Will you not reconsider?"
"If you can return here in a year and a day with the answer to my riddle, I will spare your life," said the Dark Knight. "But if you fail to answer it correctly, I will kill you where you stand."
Arthur agreed to this proposal and stood to hear the riddle. The Dark Knight leaned close and whispered it mockingly into his ear:
"What does a woman truly want?"
Arthur rode joyfully back to his men, sure that he could easily gain the answer to this riddle by asking his Queen. But when he told his friends of his adventure, all of them had a different answer to the riddle, and each was sure that his answer was correct.
Gawain, Arthur's most honorable Knight, proposed that they ride across the kingdom, asking every woman they encountered what it was that she truly wanted. Arthur agreed, and they set out at once.
But a year and many weary miles later, the two Knights had discovered that each woman wanted something different from the others, and each was sure that her answer was the true one.
Exhausted and downhearted, Arthur began his journey toward the assigned meeting spot and what he knew must be his death. Suddenly his horse reared, and there in the path stood a loathly lady, hunched and wizened and rheumy-eyed, covered in boils and pus. She gentled his horse and told him that she could answer his riddle and spare his life, at a price: she must be given Gawain as her husband.
The King shuddered at this, but Gawain, riding just behind Arthur, did not hesitate for a moment. He dismounted, and with grave courtesy proposed to the loathly lady.
She gazed at him for a moment, then took his hand, and in her gravelly, broken voice slowly pronounced the answer to the riddle:
"What a woman truly wants is sovereignty."
Hearing this, Arthur knew it at once for the truth, and when he spoke it to the Dark Knight, he too knew at once he was defeated. Roaring in rage, he disappeared, sparing the King's life.
Gawain and the loathly lady were married in great pomp, and despite the lady's appalling lack of manners at dinner and undeniable stench, Gawain treated her with the utmost love and courtesy. When they retired to his bedchamber, she asked him to kiss her, and he did so without flinching.
When next he looked upon her, he saw a woman of undeniable beauty. Astonished, he asked her what she had done to his wife. She answered:
"The Dark Knight cursed me, for I would not give him the lands that were mine by right. Now that you have wed me, you can break this curse, but you must choose: Will you have me loathsome by day, and beautiful by night when I am yours alone? Or will you have me beautiful by day for all to look upon, and loathsome by night when darkness hides me from all but you?"
Gawain looked upon the lady and considered this, and then, with the honor and wisdom for which generations have remembered him, said to her:
"This is your life, and your choice. Tell me what you would prefer, and that is my wish."
This, of course, broke the spell forever, for he had restored to his wife her sovereignty.
With sovereignty, the loathly lady was restored to her wholeness, her natural way of being. The disguise of loathsomeness fell away.
I find myself again and again in this story. I have been the dark knight, lashing out in rage and anger when another would not give me something that I coveted. I have been Arthur, utterly confounded as I try to answer the riddle of what the people in my life want from me. I have been the loathly lady, lost in the curse of over-identification with my flaws.
I would like to learn to be Gawain.
It seems to me that if we are willing to treat our Loathly Ladies--our mistakes, our flaws, our brokennesses--with respect; if we are willing, instead of cutting them out of the tapestry of our lives, to consider quilting them onto the fabric of our larger selves, the fabric of mystery---if we grant them our time and attention, it is possible they carry great gifts for us.
For what is sovereignty, but the serene power to act and to be accountable for one's actions?
Be gentle to yourself today, and consider what wisdom your flaws and regrets are gently bringing to your awareness. How might you allow them to be a part of your story, quilted onto the larger story of your life, rather than trying always to bury and excise them?
How might you grant yourself sovereignty to act and be accountable, in all of your imperfect humanness?
We love to hear from you. Feel free to comment below, or email us your thoughts and questions at innerlightasheville@gmail.com.
Let's talk about self-sabotage.
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
We all do it. The painful question is, why? Why do we undermine our own attempts to get healthy, live with meaning, and act according to our values?
Often, when we notice self-sabotage, we get stuck on these questions:
Why am I doing this to myself?
What is wrong with me?
Will this ever change, or am I destined to always sabotage my own attempts at happiness?
Unfortunately, these are the WRONG QUESTIONS!
Imagine this:
You are a fish, swimming happily through the ocean with your best friend (also a fish; this is not an multi-species metaphor.)
As you are enjoying the cool water and gazing at the dappled patterns of sunlight on the ocean floor, you do not notice that your friend is swimming, mesmerized, toward a gleaming fish hook.
When you look up and see what she is doing, it's too late---your friend has chomped down on that wickedly sharp hook and is now caught.
What do you do?
Chances are, it's something along the lines of helping your friend get off the hook, calming her down, swimming away, and treating her wound. With a little time for a freak out if necessary.
Guess what you probably wouldn't do?
Swim in circles around the hook analyzing it, wondering why it is here, what metals it is comprised of, and how you might avoid such things in the future, while your friend wriggles painfully below, bleeding out!
Self-sabotage "hooks" us, bleeding out our intentions and hopes and goals while we wriggle on its point, asking questions like "why do I do this?" and "where did this come from"?
This is not the time for deep self-analysis. This is the time for emotional first aid and quick, decisive action.
So what should you do when you notice you are caught in self-sabotaging behavior?
First, you need to know what kind of sabotage you are doing. How are you undermining yourself? Are you talking yourself INTO something (“I won’t” sabotage) or OUT OF something (“I will” sabotage)?
Here’s how to tell the difference:
"I will" is the part of self-regulation that involves us in new behaviors and finds inspiring new ways for us to expand and grow.
“I will” sabotage happens when we talk ourselves out of doing things that align with our long term goals. For example:
It would make me really nervous to call and ask for that promotion, so I’ll let it slide.
I really hate looking at my bank balance and thinking of all the money I’ve spent, so I’ll wait a few months to get my finances in order.
I’ll feel like the most out-of-shape person in there, so I won’t go to yoga class.
"I will" sabotage keeps us playing small, avoiding short-term discomfort, and stuck in old patterns.
"I won't" is the part of self-regulation that we often think of as willpower. It's the part of us that rejects actions that violate our goals and values.
“I won’t” sabotage happens when we talk ourselves into doing things that undermine our long term goals. For example:
I went on a long hike yesterday, so I deserve to skip out on the workout I had planned for today.
Work was exhausting today, so I deserve to have a netflix binge tonight instead of working on my taxes like I said I would.
I just need to answer this one really important text and I’ll be present with my kids afterward.
“I won't” sabotage has a lawyer-y feeling to it. You might find yourself engaged in a lot of back-and-forth debating in your mind to justify your actions. You might find yourself trying to defend your actions to yourself with moralizing descriptions like "good" or "bad"; i.e. “I’ve been so good about eating healthfully today that I deserve to have a drink even though alcohol is bad for me.”
Once you've noticed yourself wriggling on the hook of self-sabotage and have defined it as the "I will" or "I won't" type, here’s what to do:
1. For “I will” sabotage, get clear on your desires. What do you want? What is your 5-year, 10-year, 20-year plan?
Write down who and where and what you want to be in the long run. Get details. How do you want to feel? What work do you want to be doing? What skills do you want to have developed? Gather images of the life you want and the person you want to be, and put them in a prominent place.
Check your actions against your goals. Feel uncomfortable looking at those images? GOOD! Cognitive dissonance is your friend! If you allow yourself to feel the discomfort of the discrepancy between the way you spend your time and the person you want to be, you are building the internal motivation to change it. Take a moment each morning to write down a small action you can take today that will bring you closer to your long-term vision, and enjoy the delicious feeling of doing it!
Check in with friends for accountability. Sometimes we need a little push to get over the short-term discomfort of trying something new, and having a friend we feel responsible to can help provide that push. Tell your friends what you are working on, and ask them to check in on you to make sure you are doing it.
Decide that you are worthy of the life you want and the effort it takes to get there. Reframe short term discomfort as “pleasure tax” for long-term joy.
2. For “I won’t” sabotage, pay attention to the debates in your head.
Notice every time you talk yourself into doing something that goes against your long-term goals, and every time you internally justify your behavior to yourself. This signals a values violation.
When you notice this "talking-into" behavior, check in with yourself. What value are you talking yourself into violating? Name the value and ask yourself to consider if this action is truly worth it for you.
Check in on any moralizing. Have you been defining certain actions or behaviors as “good” or “bad”? The science shows us that when we moralize, and link our essential goodness to the way we eat or how often we exercise, we are more likely to engage in “I won’t” sabotage. Steer clear of black-and-white thinking! This isn’t about being a good person, it’s about deciding to accomplish your own goals and live by your own values.
3. Once you've engaged in decisive action to swim away from that hook, perform emotional first aid.
Check your self-compassion. Have you been going for short-term comfort because you are trying to numb out uncomfortable or painful feelings?
Name any painful feelings or thoughts you are struggling with. Offer yourself compassion for how difficult it is to experience this pain.
Check in on self-blame. If you have been making yourself wrong for your struggles with painful thoughts and feelings, offer yourself understanding and forgiveness.
Re-affirm your worthiness. You deserve more than short-term comfort—you deserve the deep, meaningful joy of achieving your long term goals!
If you struggle with step three, you are not alone. Self-compassion is hard for most of us, and many of us struggle with feeling worthy of the life that we aspire to.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help---ask a trusted friend to text you three things they love about you, or call someone you’ve known since childhood and ask them to describe what they see as your strengths.
This is also what counselors are for, so don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for a free consultation!
There are many, many fish hooks in the sea, so chances are you will find yourself engaged in this struggle more than once—that’s okay!
Every time you notice yourself wriggling on that self-sabotage hook, simply name your sabotage, take decisive action, and compassionately engage in emotional first aid.
It will get easier every time.
Can self-compassion kill self-improvement?
Posted by Lissa Carter, LPCA
"Look, if I love myself as I am, with all the mistakes I've made and all the ways I continue to screw up, it's like I'm giving myself permission to keep on destroying my life! If I'm nice to myself NOW, I won't know that I have to change. I need to be real with myself, or I won't man up and do better."
My client sat with his arms crossed, head hanging, a deep sadness beneath the surface anger in his voice. My heart went out to him. How well I know this feeling!
~~~~~
Valentine's Day is rough. My clients often come to counseling on this day carrying sadness, anger, regret, shame, and longing; as if these feelings aren't difficult enough, many of them add a heavy helping of self-criticism. There is nothing so terrible that a little self-criticism can't make it worse!
"I should have known better..."
"But then I went and made the same mistake again, which was just stupid..."
"Well, in a sense, I asked for it..."
"If I had been a better person, it may have worked out..."
"I completely understand why she left me, I mean look at me..."
Often when these difficult emotions show up, I counsel my clients to sit for a moment in self-compassion, noticing their feelings and thoughts without judgment.
Self-compassion can feel like an internal hug of the heart while the sadness or anger plays out; it can feel like being held gently and lovingly while the regrets and sorrows come spilling out; or it can simply be a sense of "having your own back" as you go through a difficult time, the way you would care for a dear friend or child who was struggling.
~~~~~
My client was having none of it today.
"I don't want to be gentle and kind with myself. I want to man the f*** up and change my life. I'm tired of making the same mistakes."
I watched him as he spoke to me; I could see how passionately he felt about what he was saying, but his eyes were directed firmly to the floor.
"What would happen," I asked him, "If every time you told yourself to 'man the f*** up', there was an inner voice that said "Wow, that makes sense. It must be really hard to fall short of your goals."
"That would defeat the purpose! I need to criticize myself so that I know what I'm doing wrong and choose to do better."
Now he was meeting my eyes, and I could hear how important this was to him. I could also see how deeply exhausted he was.
"You seem worn out by this. How long have you tried to change yourself by pointing out all the things that are wrong with you?
"It is exhausting. I've been on my own case since probably first grade!"
"And yet here you still are, thinking you need to change...that's a lot of years to be walking around convinced that you are a flawed being."
"If the shoe fits...I would be worse off if I didn't recognize that I need to change."
"I can hear how terrible it feels to fall short of your own expectations. But I also hear that this strategy isn't working, or with all that self-criticism you'd be the perfect human by now!"
We laughed for a minute.
~~~~~
Self-compassion is scary; my client hit the nail right on the head.
If I am kind to myself, if I end that ceaseless internal diatribe about all the ways I need to do better and be better and look better; all the internal comparisons and criticisms and lectures, won't I turn into a lazy narcissist who never achieves anything?
Can't self-compassion kill my self-improvement?
The foremost researcher on self-compassion today, Dr. Kristen Neff, has studied this and found the opposite to be true (you can read her research, and access some wonderful resources, at self-compassion.org).
Her work has shown that self-criticism actually IMPAIRS our ability to change, whereas self-compassion makes change less frightening and more attainable.
This makes sense, right? Change only lasts when it feels good. Study after study has shown that positive reinforcement (such as praise or a treat following the accomplishment of a task) is far more effective than punishment (castigating ourselves for doing something wrong).
The elegance of self-compassion is that it's positive reinforcement that's on tap, every day, free, completely aligned with your own value system, and requires nothing but your commitment.
This is important: if we were taught self-compassion as children, we would have greater resilience and greater compassion for others. We would attain the skill to soothe and comfort ourselves when others hurt us.
When we think of all the tragedies we have faced--historically and recently--it is heartbreaking to realize how many of them could have been averted if our society valued self-compassion and taught it early.
Not only that, but when Aristotle said 'We are what we repeatedly do', he was on to something. Researchers have found that people who are in the habit of mercilessly criticizing themselves tend to be more judgmental and critical of other people. Kindness and compassion are a habit; when you don't practice them inside your own head, they're harder to find when you are dealing with others.
So, your self-criticism can hurt the people you love!
Oh, that Aristotle!
Something else interesting happens with self-criticism. When we are chastising ourselves for not being better, we are putting the blame squarely on ourselves. But what if what's causing these feelings and emotions and mistakes has nothing to do with you? What if the endless loop of self-criticism is blinding you to the fact that you are in a dead-end job that saps your joy in life? Or that your partner is emotionally abusive? Or that your child's behavioral issues may be rooted not in your poor parenting but in a bullying situation at school?
When this happens, our self-critical habit can actually keep us in the very situations that are causing us the pain and blame in the first place!
~~~~~
My client was smiling and nodding now, so I asked him if he would be willing to try something this week:
All week, any time you catch yourself feeling bored, insignificant, angry, resentful, sad, confused, faulty...every time you are experiencing something uncomfortable or frustrating... take one moment to feel an inward presence watching you with compassion and non-judgment. Imagine a friend putting an arm around you if it helps find the feeling of compassion.
Then do two things:
1) name what you are feeling ('I am feeling angry and disappointed in myself') and
2) add internally "And that's the right way to feel."
How can something that sounds this silly work?
Compassionate observation of our feelings is often enough to derail the train of self-judgment and self-criticism that frequently spirals into an unending loop of uncomfortable feelings.
When we are pre-occupied with uncomfortable feelings, we are less likely to be making informed choices guided by our values, and more likely to go into avoidance behaviors that numb us out. Numbing out to avoid discomfort feels good in the short run, but in the long run takes us father from our goals than ever.
When, instead, we choose to compassionately notice the difficult thoughts and feelings, we rebound much more quickly and are far more likely to take actions that align with our values.
If you could, simply by witnessing your own thoughts and emotions with compassion, ensure that you are far more likely to build a life that is meaningful to you, would you do it?
~~~~~~
My client shook his head at the exercise I'd offered, but he smiled and met my eyes as he stood up to leave.
"How are you feeling about this session?" I asked him.
"Hopeful," he said, "but also afraid that it won't work."
"And?" I asked. He smiled and waved as he called out the response:
"And that's the right way to feel!"
~~~~~
Self-compassion does not kill self-improvement. Self-compassion makes self-improvement more likely, more possible, and less painful.
Practice self-compassion this week by paying attention non-judgmentally to the thoughts and feelings that show up in your life. How would you treat a dear friend or a child who felt this way? Practice treating yourself with the same kindness.
You just might find your difficult emotions passing through more quickly, and your motivation for change increasing. I'd love to hear what you discover!
**gratitude to my brave and amazing client for his willingness to share his story. You know who you are!**
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We've been on a bit of a blog hiatus as we plan for our sold-out H I B E R N A T E retreat (hooray for all of those wonderful people who are choosing self-compassion!) but will be back on track in March. Stay tuned for upcoming retreats, classes, and workshops offered by Inner Light Counseling Collective, or click below to join our mailing list.