By Lissa Carter, LCMHCS
Whether or not you belong to a tradition that honors the first of January as the beginning of a new cycle, the energy given to personal change this time of year is palpable. The parking lot of the gym I pass on the way to the office has been crammed with cars since the 1st, and conversations with friends and clients revolve around reviewing the year past and naming hopes for the year ahead.
The invitation to reflect on our actions and intentions is welcome. And yet, the pitfalls inherent in the way we approach resolutions can undermine our hopes and plans. Here are three dangers I’ve noticed in New Year’s resolutions, and three filters that help to combat them.
First danger: Setting Goals that are Subtractive
Brains are additive, not subtractive. Let me offer an example: while looking for a stud finder at the hardware store this morning, I located a brand called “StudBuddy” (everyone, this is not a Freudian blog. StudBuddy is a device that locates two-by-fours beneath sheetrock) and for the rest of the morning found myself whistling the jingle for arguably creepy 80’s toy “MyBuddy”.
My brain never erased that jingle –it’s still there, all these years later. I could write new lyrics—“Stud buddy! Stud buddy! When it beeps that’s where the na-ai-ail goes!”—and remember them too—but, given a relatively normal developmental arc, my brain will not erase the original jingle. It’s there for keeps.
Which is some of the reasoning behind why, when setting intentions and objectives, it’s advisable to avoid “Dead Man Goals”, which are anything a dead man could do better than you. For example: be calmer with my children, argue less with my partner, eat less sugar, drink less alcohol. That metaphorical dead man would clean the floor with me on any one of them.
Each one of these goals requires me to subtract something to achieve success. And much to my dismay, even if the reward were free tickets to Ireland to attend a sacred storytelling festival, I would not be able to erase the &%@#!% “MyBuddy” jingle from my brain.
You can avoid this pitfall by setting intentions that are additive, not subtractive. For example: I’d like to start more of my mornings with a walk outside. Or, I’d like to read a chapter of an inspiring book every week.
Second danger: Framing Intentions Around Self-Improvement
Let me hasten to say, there is nothing wrong with noticing behaviors or attitudes that are harmful to you, your relationships, or your communities and working to make more values-congruent choices.
Programs of discipline and improvement do work. They work to change behavior. And they work to change behavior, usually, at the cost of the relationship.
How do you feel about someone who is trying to discipline you? To improve you? Even if you agree with their longterm ideas, the act of being disciplined or targeted for improvement tends to erode that relationship. This can be fine when the relationship is short-term or narrow, and specifically chosen to create improvement, such as with a coach or a supervisor.
But when the relationship is with your very self—the one person you will never be able to retreat from—the cost-benefit ratio of eroding relationship to improve performance becomes incredibly steep. Quality of life tanks when the person closest to you is more concerned with improving you than with relating to you. And when quality of life is low, it is difficult to muster the kind of energy and focus necessary to carry out self-improvement projects anyway!
Instead of self-improvement and self-discipline, I would propose self-attunement.
Self-attunement resembles a loving parent-child relationship. A loving parent isn’t going to allow a child to run into traffic or hit another child. But neither are they going to bully their child, or call them names. A parent who is truly attuned to their child will be both kind and firm, neither accepting inappropriate behaviors nor endangering the relationship to enforce discipline.
In a situation of attunement two things happen: one, strong emotions and incongruent behaviors are immediately de-escalated due to co-regulation with a calm, loving person. And two, the feeling of being understood and accompanied makes the situation that triggered those strong emotions and incongruent behaviors feels more bearable, making a little room to consider other options for response.
Often, counterintuitively, it is the relationships where we feel accepted—as Carl Rogers said—exactly as we are, within which we can achieve lasting change. And regardless of the kind of parenting we actually received as children, every one of us is capable of creating attunement with ourselves. It’s the difference between telling yourself what to do, and checking in with yourself kindly to see what you might need in order to be able to accomplish the things that matter to you.
Third danger: Framing Intentions Around Comparison
We humans have an innate bias, when resources are scarce, to form “in” groups and “out” groups. We exclude and dehumanize those who seem different than ourselves. It’s heartbreaking to witness the immensity of suffering caused by this tendency to dehumanize others. And although it is easy to see it on the scale of war, it’s harder to notice it within our own minds. One subtle way this bias appears is through a lens of comparison.
If I say, for example, that I want to be “as successful as Y” or “as strong as X”, underlying both of these intentions is the subtle belief that Y and X are separate from me. Viewed through this lens, the world is a dangerous, competitive place where the resources I need can be snapped up by others.
But viewed through a more ecologically accurate lens of interdependence, I could notice that Y’s success and X’s strength are resources in a community that nourishes me, as well—and that my support of X and Y would ultimately benefit me, too.
By setting intentions that are collaborative rather than competitive we can begin to build the muscle of seeing the world interdependently. In this way we can shift “I want to be stronger than X” to “I want to build strength so that I can be more active in my community and a resource for my grandchildren.” Caring for the trees around you because you know their health directly contributes to the quality of the air that the people you love are breathing feels different than pressuring yourself to be a better environmentalist this year. And we are more likely to stick with behavioral choices that feel good.
Three filters: Additive, Attuned, and Collaborative
So what if this year, rather than steaming in under full power of our latest self-improvement plans, we were to approach our own hearts gently, with curiosity, and check in on the feelings and hopes living there? What if we could work with the heart, body, and mind, exactly as they are, to move toward the choices that feed the kind of person we want to be?
As you sit with your intentions and hopes for the year to come, ask yourself: Am I trying to subtract things I don’t want, or am I moving toward the things I do want? Am I disciplining myself or am I respectfully attuning to myself? Am I approaching these changes individualistically and comparatively, or am I viewing these changes as interdependent and collaborative?
Working with the filters
Let’s try the process on a common resolution. Let’s say that, originally, your resolution was to drink less alcohol this year.
Putting that through the first filter of additive instead of subtractive goals, you might consider what positive outcome you hope to achieve by drinking less. You notice that you are hoping to be less numbed out and more present. You might end up with a modified resolution that sounds something like to meditate every day this year.
Putting that through the second filter of attunement, you might notice that there will be days you don’t want to meditate or might push yourself to meditate in a way that doesn’t feel present at all. You might end up with a resolution along the lines of to add a pause before I drink, and ask myself what I am feeling, thinking, and needing in that moment.
Taking that and putting it through the final filter of collaboration, you might consider the impact on your relationships and actions when you follow through on your intention. Then your final resolution might sound something like: Before I drink this year, I want to add a pause to check in with myself, and to ask if what I am doing is in service to the kind of person I want to be.
This resolution is more likely to succeed, less likely to undermine your relationship with yourself, and is predictive of greater connection and peace of mind overall. Of course your example might sound completely different, even if you were working with the same original resolution. And that’s important, because whatever you land on needs to speak directly to you: your values, and your relationships.
Wishing all of us a year of peace, right relationship, and ever-increasing consideration of ourselves and of others.
As always, I love to hear from you—feel free to comment below or reach out directly to innerlightasheville@gmail.com.